The Onion: Why should anyone buy your record?

Glen Phillips: [submitted via e-mail] I am Glen Phillips, former lead
singer of the band Toad The Wet Sprocket. I am 5'7", blue-eyed,
circumcised (Jewish, but no bris), and genetically predisposed to colon
cancer, heart disease, stroke, and alcoholism. Everyone must buy Abulum,
my debut solo CD, for the following reasons: There is a slight chance that
I will die soon in a random accident and be posthumously critically
acclaimed. Those who purchase the album before I die will be able to make
fun of the latecomers and experience some small feeling of superiority. I
might possess psychic powers like Carrie, and make your prom night
difficult if I don't think you like me. I am a very sensitive person, and
will be sad if nobody buys my record. You are very compassionate and
generous, and will help me to feel loved. My songs are better than most
people's, and stand up to repeated listenings. My songs are deep lakes of
dark liquid, seemingly placid when viewed from the shore, but swirling
with deep currents when one decides to break the surface and dive to the
depths, in which one will find beautiful, life-changing treasures sooner
or later. If I worked out I would be ripped, and really sexy. There is a
guy from Atlanta named Glenn Phillips who sounds nothing like me, and is a
much better guitarist (not a singer, though), and if you like his music I
encourage you to buy my album anyway, just to see if there's any
similarity, or maybe because you need reading glasses and can't tell the
difference between Glen and Glenn. The Onion let me put this in their
paper, which doesn't necessarily mean that they care for me at all. But
let's just say they think I'm hot shit, and since you're a reader and will
blindly follow their recommendations (real or vaguely implied), you will
run immediately to the record store and purchase not only Abulum, but also
the entire Toad catalog. Wait... this isn't just about commerce. This is
about my entire existence. I'm messing it up entirely. Oh, God. Here they
come for me. They've gone. I am a golden god. Someday I'll work out, and
be ripped, and really sexy. Really.

Glen Phillips' newest album is titled Abulum. 

--Stephen Thompson